Home 2011 – +One
The Country
South America’s only English speaking nation, Guyana stands as a testament to the British Empire’s chronic OCD in seeking to claim at least one colony per continent, a feat their explorers would have accomplished sooner had they not been compelled to sail home twice a day to check they hadn’t left the oven on. Geography aside, the country is culturally more in tune with the West Indies, evident in the locals’ passion for rum, cricket and for dozing off on the beach having indulged in too much rum or cricket. Ethnically, however, the Guyanese differ markedly from other Anglo-Caribbean countries. Most notably the black population are in the minority at just 30%, with the largest demographic (40%) instead being of Indian stock, largely the descendants of a 19th century indentured labour programme established once the abolition of slavery made it necessary to call it something slightly different. See below.
Since gaining independence from the UK in 1966, Guyana has largely maintained a low international profile. Indeed, the most arresting news story ever to emerge from the country didn’t actually feature any Guyanese people at all, specifically the 1978 Jonestown mass suicide in which 900 US citizens died after necking cyanide-laced Kool Aid at the behest of cult leader Jim Jones, a man who evidently took the concept of ‘leaving drinks’ a bit too literally. Today, the site of the tragedy has been reclaimed by the jungle and Guyana’s tourism board would apparently rather keep it that way, perhaps fearful of attracting the sort of chinless, brainless Instagram attention whores who believe that their edgy, macabre selfies are a viable substitute for a personality. Instead ecotourism appears to be the way forward, especially given that 30% of Guyanese fauna and flora is as yet unidentified, meaning any hapless visitors devoured alive by some undesignated plant or creature might at least end up having it named after them.
Ravenous Davefrommiltonkeynesus enjoys a hearty meal in honour of its discoverer.
Speaking of sinister creatures, Guyana’s rainforest floors are known to harbour numerous Brazilian wandering spiders, a highly toxic species packing a venom capable of bestowing prolonged, painful erections on people. On the plus side, according to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, harnessing this venom could “really open doors.” Wow, that IS strong stuff. For those tourists in need of a more serene experience, one spot worthy of attention is the imposing Kaiteuer Falls, officially the world’s largest single-drop waterfall at 741 feet. There exists competing theories as to the origins of the name, with the most common explanation suggesting that “Kaiteuer” is an Amerindian word meaning “Old-Man-Fall”, allegedly coined after a local family grew so weary of their cantankerous elderly relative that they felt it necessary to deposit him over the edge to a foamy oblivion. Or perhaps he’d simply been bitten by a spider and required the mother of all cold showers. Who can tell?
The National Team
As previously disclosed, Guyana is a South American nation by postcode only. Hence the national side compete not against the likes of Brazil and Argentina in the CONMEBOL section, where they’d have bugger all chance of ever making the World Cup finals, but as members of CONCACAF, where they still have bugger all chance of making the World Cup finals. That said, the ‘Golden Jaguars’ have made substantial progress in recent times, culminating in a surprise Gold Cup debut in 2019, where despite posting heavy defeats against the US (4-0) and Panama (4-2) and looking more defensively suspicious than OJ Simpson tippy toeing away from an evidence locker, the team at least proved solid entertainment value and even managed to secure a first ever tournament point thanks to a creditable 1-1 draw with Trinidad & Tobago.
Whether or not the Guyanese can maintain this elevated standing remains to be seen, particularly as their F.A. have historically treated success with the sort of dubiousness with which one might regard the term “meat madras” on a takeaway menu. Case in point: The team’s last significant boom period between 2005-2012 – which saw them surge 90 places up the FIFA rankings to 86th – stalled abruptly after federation bigwigs decreed the volume of English born players* to be too high and, in a completely rational and not at all petulant move, nixed all international fixtures for two years, during which time suitably talented native replacements were to be unearthed, which they weren’t. The presence of Neil Danns, Callum Harriott and other Anglo-Guyanese in the 2019 Gold Cup side allows that this stance has now been softened. However you do have to wonder how much more might have been achieved with some semblance of squad continuity and minus the interfering F.A. suits toting shotguns aimed firmly towards their own toes.
*Amongst the ‘foreign’ interlopers were former Newcastle striker Carl Cort, his younger brother Leon, a centre-back for Charlton and superbly named Swindon winger Ricky Shakes, who, if not planning to open up an American style milkshake emporium called ‘Ricky’s Shakes’ is, quite frankly, wasting everybody’s time.
The Shirt
Ow, my eyes sting. I’m not sure as to the precise name for this shade of lurid yellow, but I’m guessing the B&Q paint mixing station would have it listed as “ASDA own brand urinal cake”. The green and white trim isn’t helping in this regard. As for the shirt’s manufacturer, it’s fair to say +One aren’t exactly a household name, sounding less like a sportswear company and more like a dodgy online dating website offering busty blonde Russian scammers the opportunity to make gentle friends with your bank account details. This lack of stature may explain why they’ve elected to plaster their logo in quite extravagant quantities throughout the garment. Eight bloody times in fact. Coming off as a tad insecure there, chaps.
Who made this shirt again? If only there were some way of telling.
As for the roughly 4% of material not submerged beneath corporate branding, the design is actually fairly nice. To my knowledge this was the first ‘Golden Jaguars’ kit ever to be commercially available when the esteemed Mr Nick Warrick commandeered a limited quantity for his online shop in 2012. Truth be told, I was slow off the mark and missed out on this batch first time around. Luckily, another fellow collector – a smashing chap named Chris Joyce – had decided to reduce his polyester footprint and got in touch to offer me this retina-scorching Guyana top, as well as several other rarities such as Bermuda, Equatorial Guinea and Montserrat, all at knockdown prices. I believe my response went something like this.
