Home 2017/18 – 501 Wear
The country
Central America’s only English speaking nation, Belize was historically part of the notoriously bloodthirsty Mayan empire and thus host to all manner of ghastly goings on involving the ritual sacrifice of animals, people and even children. That is until British settlers arrived, decided that this sort of behaviour simply ‘wasn’t cricket’ and instead imparted their own forms of torture such as enslavement, military occupation and of course, cricket. Starting colonial life as ‘British Honduras’, the country renamed itself after the Belize River in 1973 and declared independence in 1981, only to be immediately threatened with invasion by neighbours Guatemala who felt Belize really ought to belong to them for reasons they declined to make clear. Not that Belizeans have much cause to feel intimidated seeing as their aggressive suitor is classified as one of Latin America’s much-maligned ‘banana republics’ and therefore bereft of any military strategies that don’t involve plonking opposing soldiers on their arses in a comical fashion.
The horrific aftermath of a Belizian/Guatemalan border skirmish.
In terms of its physical geography, around 60% of Belize is forested, making the country ideal for ecotourism. Unfortunately this does tend to attract droves of pretentious travel hipsters whose “of course, you’ve probably never heard of that” pompousness would have even chattiest and docile of hairdressers staring longingly at their razor and struggling to suppress the kind of dark fantasies that would make Sweeney Todd look like a picture of restraint. More encouragingly, plenty of the fuzzy-chinned buffoons seem drawn to the Cockscomb Wildlife Sanctuary, one of Belize’s most prominent conservation sites that allows visitors to get up close and personal with jaguars and learn all about the deadly felines’ dietary habits which, unsurprisingly, consists mostly of eating anyone stupid enough to want to get up close and personal with jaguars.
Should the steady supply of haughty, bearded big cat chow ever dry up, Belize’s economy does at least have a backup plan, albeit an unusual and rather pungent one. The country’s coastal waters are known to yield a horde of highly valuable ambergris, a key ingredient used in fine fragrances which is actually the product of a sperm whale’s digestive system and can be expelled out though the creature’s mouth, its arse or, on occasion, both simultaneously. I’d love to hear David Attenborough attempt to narrate that on an episode of Blue Planet. Anyway, at this point it might be wise to note that telling your wife or girlfriend that she smells of whale vomit and/or poop just after she’s lavishly hosed herself down with perfume for the umpteenth time probably won’t come across as much of a compliment. This I can personally attest to given that I’m currently writing this section of the blog from the spare room whilst scratching around for something suitable to sleep on.
As the smallest country in Central America by both size and population (just a shade under 388,000), Belize have predictably underwhelmed on the global football stage. While several of their neighbours in the region have played at the World Cup finals with varying degrees of success, ranging from distinction (Costa Rica), semi-competence (Honduras) and downright ineptitude (El Salvador*), Belize only bothered entering qualification from 1998 onward. While their record isn’t truly terrible – they typically have the beating of all but the strongest Caribbean teams – they’re realistically never going to be able to compete with CONCACAF’s biggest fish either.
*Having participated at the finals in both 1970 and 1982, the Salvadorians hold a win/loss ratio of 0/6 including the biggest thumping in World Cup history when they lost 10-1 to Hungary at Spain 82.
That’s not to say that Belize haven’t made some excellent progress in recent years. In 2013 the team posted a best ever fourth place finish at the Central American Cup, which automatically earned them a first ever appearance at the CONCACAF Gold Cup in the US later that same year, and while they inevitably fell to three straight defeats against Costa Rica, Cuba and their American hosts, their mere presence at the finals should be considered a massive step in the right direction. Additionally, football has also served as a useful diplomatic tool, specifically for rebuilding ties with Guatemala damaged by the ongoing sovereignty claim. Back in 2000, relations between the two were still sufficiently frosty to warrant both of their 2002 World Cup qualifying ties being played on neutral ground in Panama. Fast forward to the 2010 preliminaries, and not only were the Belizeans permitted onto Guatemalan soil, but they even played a home game there against Saint Kitts after their nearest, and historically not so dearest neighbours stepped in and offered use of their facilities as Belize’s own national stadium was undergoing an upgrade to meet FIFA requirements. Class move, Guatemala.
The shirt
Anyone who regularly reads the bemused ramblings I post on this blog (yes, both of you) might already be aware of this shirt’s significance to me, however for anyone else I’ll just summarise it in two words; JOB DONE. Belize represented the last of the 211 FIFA members missing from my collection – surprising given that every other collector seemed to tick this particular box ages ago – so when this delightfully eccentric design arrived from the United States recently looking remarkably like something that Bob Holeness might wear if Blockbusters had an Olympic Badminton team, I could finally call my collection complete. Well, sort of. There are still a few countries that I still wish to replace (Tanzania and Madagascar to name a couple) due to these shirts’ dubious origins. Having already shared my thoughts on the issue of authenticity in my Central African Republic post, I won’t go into it again here, however if anyone is thinking of buying the version of this Belize shirt from ebay in Australia, just be aware that these are about as legit as an uber generous Nigerian prince who urgently requires your account number and sort code.
Whoever the hell 501 Wear are, I can safely say they’re run by utter fuckwits. Several years ago the company advertised Belize shirts for sale though their website (now apparently defunct) but would only accept ‘cash on delivery’ as a payment method. In itself this didn’t necessarily present a problem despite its antiquated feel, however placing an order subsequently generates an e-mail thanking you for your custom and advising that the shirt will be shipped as soon as payment is confirmed. Hold on just a polyester-picking minute. So you’re saying you can’t deliver the item until I’ve paid for it, yet I can’t pay for it until it’s delivered? I don’t get it. It’s not like it’s even a scam as there’s no way for them to actually get at your money. Unless of course I’ve completely misjudged the situation, and every day for the past couple of years a small Belizean child has been knocking at my front door attempting delivery while I’ve been out at work. If that were the case I might even give the poor lad a tip, specifically “find a better employer.”