Home 2012 – Diadora
The Country
You may vaguely have heard of Guam. Previously an obscure US military outpost in the Western Pacific, the island sprung startlingly to international attention in 2017 amidst North Korean threats to nuke the place as retaliation for Donald Trump’s frankly indecent insistence on being Donald Trump. With this not entirely reassuring set of circumstances in mind, perhaps we’d best learn a bit about the territory before it’s reduced to radioactive dust. The population of Guam stands at just over 160,000, 37% of whom belong to the native Chamorro tribes, with 23% being ethnic Filipino and nearly 8% white Americans, mostly army veterans comparing war wounds from the various death traps that the US government is so keen on sending its young men and women to, such as Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq and High School. Anybody born in Guam is automatically an American citizen, however they are not permitted to vote in presidential elections, instead relying on Governor Lourdes Leon Guerrero as their nominal, fairly redundant representative in Washington. Still, at least she isn’t Donald Trump, which is all you can really ask of a person.
Incidentally, if you’re thinking that the name “Guerrero” sounds awfully Spanish, that’s because it is. Prior to US involvement, the Spaniards held colonial sway over Guam for more than 300 years, bringing with them helpful things such as the Spanish language, Catholicism and smallpox, which is bit like chickenpox in that once you’ve had it you can’t catch it again, principally because you’ll have died. One such epidemic in 1688 is estimated to have wiped out 90% of the indigenous Chamorro people. As a result their remnants were to often intermarry with the Spaniards, producing a drowsy hybrid population who met the 1898 American occupation not so much with resistance as with the bleary-eyed irritability of someone who had designs on hitting the snooze button at least three more times.
Guam’s defence force enjoy a quick doze in between scheduled naps.
Today, despite the omnipresent military bases, Guam has successfully reinvented itself as a swanky holiday resort thanks in no small part to the agreeably warm year round weather. Temperatures generally hover around the 30 degree mark, with the potential to hit 100,000,000 Celsius should a certain stroppy North Korean man-child commence chucking his toys out of the silo.
A young couple experience that warm tingly feeling one only gets from falling in love on a sun-kissed tropical island. Or from radiation poisoning. One or the other.
The National Team
Around the turn of the millennium, the ever-venerable World Soccer magazine began issuing a yearbook disclosing all international results from the previous twelve months. Pictured below are extracts from the 2000 and 2001 editions detailing the gruesome carnage that ensued from some of Guam’s earliest full international outings after joining FIFA in 1996.
I highlight these results not to mock (well, perhaps a little), but more to emphasise how much progress has been made in recent years. Having withdrawn from or neglected to enter three successive World Cups between 2006-2014, Guam’s national side re-emerged in the qualifiers for Russia 2018, where they accumulated seven whole points from a highly creditable 0-0 draw against Oman and shock wins over both Turkmenistan and India. The fact that all three of these countries would go on to appear at the 2019 Asian Cup finals only adds further contextual gloss to the results.
One of the chief reasons for the team’s upturn in results might be their recent tapping into of a larger talent pool. Strictly speaking, the only requisite for a call up is US citizenship, and while the potential for mischief remains – i.e. cramming the squad full of uncapped Americans – enough players of Guamanian lineage have been found knocking about the lower tiers of the MLS to cobble together a team boasting at least some connection to the country. The fact they’ve not been shipping the best part of 20 goals per game is also a bonus.
The Shirt
Authentic Guam shirts are as rare as hen’s teeth. To the best of my knowledge, the plain blue shirt featured here is the only official replica ever released commercially. Their arrival in the UK back in 2012 was inevitably the work of legendary shirt guru Nick Warrick, although mine was actually acquired second hand (and mercifully cheap) from another collector, a good-natured chap named Chris curiously possessed of a writing tick that caused him to persistently name-drop the person whom he was messaging into his e-mails. I swear one of his messages to me went something like this:
“Hi Kris, hope you’re well, Kris. Just checking, Kris that you still want to buy the Guam shirt, Kris? Price is as agreed, Kris. I trust that’s OK, Kris? Cheers, Kris, best regards.”
Evidently my name is very fun to type.
As for the design itself, the badge on the players’ shirt differs from the one occupying my wardrobe space. (See photos). Mind you, this neat embroidered version is far superior to the alternative, which looks heat-pressed and cheap, so I’m not complaining. Elsewhere, Guam’s flag makes a welcome appearance on the left sleeve. Welcome because who wouldn’t love a flag resembling the corporate logo of a struggling low-budget travel agency whose commercial team have only just figured out how to use Microsoft Paint?
On the subject of flags, I’m not convinced about Diadora’s quaint insistence on sneaking multiple Italian tricolours into a national shirt that demonstrably isn’t Italy. Bit weird guys. I know you’re proud of your roots and everything but there’s a time and a place. Imagine Nike inserting the stars and stripes into an England kit. The Three Lions supporters would be red with rage. You know, on top of already being red with sunburn.
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