Home 2000/01 – Atletica
The Country
By some distance Central America’s most populous nation, Guatemala’s 17 million inhabitants are also statistically some of the shortest people on the planet, with men averaging a mere 5’2 and the women standing – or possibly sitting, hard to tell – at a particularly stumpy 4’10. This lack of stature is usually attributed to the country’s high ratio (40%) of Amerindians, specifically the Mayans, whose fearsome reputation becomes somewhat undermined when you realise that most of them wouldn’t be allowed on most of the rides at Alton Towers. Speaking of the Mayans, their civilisation may lie in ruins but it’s those same ruins putting tourism dollars into Guatemalan coffers. The most popular site is the ancient city of Tikal, today a sweaty and remote collection of pyramids concealed deep in the jungle, but at its peak a flourishing metropolis and home to around 100,000 people, typically to be found doing messy and drastic things to one another atop the temple altars.
For travellers in need of an urban setting, the former capital Antigua is an aesthetic delight, all handsome colonial buildings, ankle-shattering cobblestones and improbably noisy American tourists brandishing huge foldout maps whom you just itch to manoeuvre off of something steep. Meanwhile, the actual capital Guatemala City is probably best avoided due to a chronic sinkhole problem, culminating in 2010 when a (mercifully vacant) three storey factory vanished down a 300 ft deep chasm, its perfectly cylindrical shape resembling an other-worldly portal, the sort of thing a 1950s B movie monster might emerge from before devouring a teenage couple courting in the back of a Cadillac.
Finally, food. Guatemalan cuisine bears many similarities to that of neighbouring Mexico, in that family mealtimes involve plenty of chillies, beans, hot sauce and blaming the dog. It’s actually a very healthy diet, if only because the prospect of sharing a lift with a bunch of people struggling to process a three bean taco salad is enough to have everybody clamouring for the stairs instead.
The National Team
I have a distinct soft spot for Guatemala. As I recall, they were the worst team on Striker for Super Nintendo – a game I’d gotten quite accomplished at by my early teens – and thus became my weapon of choice with which to humiliate my friends, prompting many a controller to be lobbed at my head as eleven tiny Guatemalan sprites raced into an improbable 7-0 lead against Dave and his uncooperative Brazilians. Fun memories.
Of course such pixelated feats bear precisely zero resemblance to reality. Guatemala have never qualified for a World Cup, though they did come close in 2006 when the team reached the final round of CONCACAF qualification only to miss out on a play off due to Trinidad & Tobago’s shock 2-1 win over Mexico, a result which sent the Caribbean side through instead to face, and ultimately defeat Bahrain for a place at the finals in Germany, leaving the Guatemalans to lament what might have been.
At regional level Guatemala do at least have some sort of tournament pedigree, having won the 1967 CONCACAF Championship (precursor to the Gold Cup) as well as the 2001 Copa Centroamericana. The national team’s most famous ever player is undoubtedly diminutive striker Carlos Ruiz (nicknamed “El Pescadito” or ” The Little Fish”), who between 1999-2016 racked up 68 international goals, including an all-time record of 39 in World Cup qualifiers, the pick of which was probably this absolute belter against Costa Rica in 2005.
No commentary for this clip. I’m guessing, what with it being from Latin America and all, that it went something along the lines of “Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal”. Translated into English this means “I say, that fine chap has scored a quite capital goal.” Or, quite possibly “Oh bother, I appear to have spilt piping hot coffee on my lap.” One or the other.
The Shirt
In 2007 this was one of my very first purchases from Classicfootballshirts.co.uk, back when they were a fledgling company and presumably not several warehouses deep in AC Milan third shirts from the mid-nineties, as they appear to be now if their clearance sale ads are anything to go by. At just £32.99 it was an absolute steal, especially as I’ve since seen the same top sell on eBay for closer to £100. Design is very nice. Guatemala are, aside from Peru, the only national team that utilises a sash style template as a default, giving the players the vague appearance of a small town mayor rocking up to cut the ribbon on a new waste management plant. The bird depicted on the Football Federation crest is a “Resplendent Quetzal”, seen as Guatemala’s symbol of liberty on account that it has been known to kill itself when kept in captivity. Unlike parrots, they are not a talkative species. This is a shame, as a Mel Gibson style “Freeeeeeeeedom” before plunging headfirst off their perch would at least add an element of panache to their demise.
If I’ve any nitpicks with the shirt, I’d say the blue sash is too dark – it should be sky blue like the flag – while the badge is another one of those cheap screen-printed jobs that always gets on my wick. Had manufacturers Atletica been a little more on the ball in these regards then this shirt would probably rank in my overall top five. As is, it’s still a bit of a beast, albeit a beast sporting a questionable shade of blue, like if Hank McCoy from the X-Men were choking on a bagel.