Home 2017 – Qelemes
The Country
In a fair world, the less time an African nation spends in the news headlines the more stable and prosperous it would be. Unfortunately, life isn’t fair, and despite achieving X Factor champion levels of obscurity, Guinea-Bissau still manages to be gut-wrenchingly poor, hopelessly corrupt and so politically whimsical that prior to 2019* not one of their leaders had ever successfully served a full five year term. Some of the blame for this lies with the military, who if the country’s near satirical number of violent coups are anything to go by, are not above sticking their noses into presidential business, or indeed sticking their bayonets into the President.
* In June of this year, the outgoing Jose Mario Vaz finally became the nation’s first ever head of state to complete his full tenure. Well done him.
To compound matters further, in recent years Guinea-Bissau has unwittingly earned the title of “Africa’s first narco-state” thanks to the prevalence of South American cocaine smugglers utilising the region as a transit hub from which to deliver their merchandise up European noses. It’s fair to say government intervention hasn’t exactly been vigorous here. Indeed, accusations abound that officials are often on the take, though this is hardly surprising given that 90% of the country’s legitimate exports consist of peanuts and cashews, which aren’t exactly going to fund the murder of your political enemies, nor are they the sort of thing you could realistically flog to some obnoxious half-cut gobshite in a nightclub toilet. “Interest you in some dry roasted, Guv?”
In spite of such hardships, Bissau Guineans remain amongst the most hospitable folk in Africa. It’s just a shame the don’t really have anybody to share this hospitality with. In all, the country receives just 30,000 visitors annually, which for context is roughly level pegging with Afghanistan, a destination frequented only by travel hipsters, eccentrics and those who urgently need to catch up on the last 30 seasons of a classic television show called ‘The News.’ The Guinea-Bissau tourism board are however taking steps to encourage things along. They’re especially keen to promote the numerous idyllic sun soaked beaches, as well as their capital Bissau’s rustic Portuguese architecture*, ideal if you love the idea of going to Portugal but can’t be arsed with bothersome things like roads and infrastructure.
*Prior to independence in 1974, Guinea-Bissau was a Portuguese colony and often referred to as “Portuguese Guinea” in order to distinguish it from regular, or French Guinea.
The National Team
What a time to be alive for Guinea-Bissau football supporters. As of July 2019 the national side have recently finished up competing at the Africa Cup of Nations in Egypt, marking the team’s second successive AFCON outing, as well as only their second appearance overall. Though predictably eliminated in the group stages at both tournaments, collecting just a solitary point at each, the actual results are somewhat besides the point. Until very recently the idea of the “Djurtus” (Wild Dogs) rubbing shoulders with the likes of Ghana and Cameroon at the finals would have sounded as absurd as say Moldova or Luxembourg qualifying for the Euros. In fact if you were to invent a time machine, hop back five years and confront a random Bissau Guinean with prophecies of their squad’s imminent upward trajectory, then they’d most likely say “Fuck me!!! A time machine.” Oh, and also that you’re crazy.
Anyway, despite finishing both AFCON campaigns winless, Guinea-Bissau’s results and performances never lent themselves to embarrassment, with the team able to secure a last minute 1-1 draw against hosts Gabon in 2017 whilst also avoiding any lop-sided defeats. They also scored probably the goal of the tournament – again, in 2017 – via zippy winger Piqueti against eventual champions Cameroon, a breathless individual effort of the sort that causes European sports journalists to need new bed sheets should the architect be a Mr C. Ronaldo or Mr L. Messi. See below.
The Shirt
Praise be yet again to Mr Nick Warrick. I realise that his name infiltrates these posts with quite indecent regularity, however it’s fair to say that without Peterborough’s favourite/only national shirt extraordinaire, my, and indeed most other collections of this nature would be considerably more gappy. Case in point; Guinea-Bissau. No sooner was their 2017 Cup of Nations debut confirmed then Nick was on the case, shortly thereafter sourcing for his online shop these colourful designs courtesy of obscure French manufacturers Qelemes. Curiously, Qelemes actually produced four Djurtus kits utilising this template. In addition to the featured red home shirt, they also spat out away, 3rd and 4th versions coloured green, white and yellow respectively. Pretty optimistic for a team who were realistically never going to be hanging around for more than three matches.
In the end, Guinea-Bissau donned this red top twice at the finals in Gabon, effectively confirming its first choice status. The colour scheme of red combined with flashes of green, while giving off a slight strawberry and watermelon bubblegum wrapper vibe, still makes for a nice original kit and leaves you grateful that Adidas or Nike didn’t get their dastardly dreary hands on the kit contract, as we all know how that generally turns out. Speaking of which, here is leaked footage of Adidas design executives planning a family holiday.
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