Home 2010/11 – Adidas
The Country
Though not technically Scandinavian – that term applies only to Denmark, Norway and Sweden – Finland certainly ticks a lot of the appropriate boxes. Cold and snowy? Check. Progressive socialist politics? Yep. A fondness for saunas bordering on the masochistic? Quite. Alcohol so expensive that each every purchase necessitates a trip to the cash point with a wheelbarrow? You’d better believe it. That said, the cultural deviations are just as pronounced as the similarities. For example, while the Danes, Swedes and Norwegians are all busy drowning their eardrums with the sugary fluff offered up by ABBA, Aqua et al, the Finns are, by contrast, dedicated metal heads to the fullest extent possible without actually having heads fashioned from metal. Indeed, Finland legitimately possesses the highest concentration of heavy metal bands in the world including, memorably, 2006 Eurovision champions Lordi, who rode off with the prize despite looking like the goth chapter of a Klingon drama school.
Linguistically, the Finns present further evidence that they are very much the oddballs of the Nordic family. Not only is Finnish completely unrelated to any Scandinavian language, it’s pretty much incomprehensible to the rest of Europe and also considered one of the toughest for foreigners to learn, not helped by a structure that, when written down, looks as though the alphabet is having a stroke.
The Finnish version of Countdown must be a hoot. “Yeah, I’ll just have nine vowels please, Carol.”
Lucky then that most Finns also speak fluent English, particularly those employed in the tourism industry as ‘Helsinki Helpers.’ These fresh-faced, infinitely patient young men and women hit the city streets every summer clad in high-viz jackets, so you can’t miss them – as much as they would probably like you to – and offer discount coupons for the capital’s main attractions, as well as travel advice and directions which, depending on your levels of insufferability, may even turn out to be accurate. They also dispense tips on local etiquette for things like sauna use, for which the Finns have a saying “one should behave in the sauna as in church”, so presumably Helsinki Cathedral is full of slowly melting towelled-up blokes all desperately trying to recall their findings from that time they typed “average penis size” into google, whilst self-consciously crossing their legs as if they’re busting for a piss.
Outside of Helsinki, Finnish tourism options start to take on a more eccentric feel. In keeping with the nation’s musical tastes, the northern town of Oulu hosts an annual Air Guitar World Championship, where some seriously lonely, presumably drunk participants (their mums must be so proud) can showcase their unique, ahem, “talents” in front of an equally inebriated crowd who get to shout out requests, typically that they should extract themselves from the stage post haste. Further north still, in the part of the country known as Lapland, lies the town of Rovaniemi, famous as “the official hometown of Santa Claus” and featuring a whimsical Christmas village where visiting parents can pay through the nose for the privilege of having their children sit on a creepy old man’s lap and demand extravagant gifts ironically rendered unaffordable by the cost of the trip. Still, given that reindeer meat is a staple of Finnish cuisine, a quick visit to a local restaurant on the way home should be enough to reel in their spoiled spawn’s expectations, if not obliterate their innocence entirely. “Would you like chips or wedges with Rudolph, dear?”
The National Team
Sad to say, but Finland’s best chance of a maiden World Cup appearance looks to have come and gone. For a few years either side of the millennium, the ‘golden generation’ of Litmanen, Hyypia, Forssell and co frequently had the look of genuine dark horses for qualification without ever quite making it over the line. They came closest one painful day in October 1997, when a comical last minute own goal for Hungary in Helsinki saw the visitors snatch a draw, and with it a France 98 play-off spot from right under Finnish noses. Despite this heartbreak, the team recovered well and went on to impress in the 2002 preliminaries (albeit without ever really mounting a proper challenge), claiming three draws from four fixtures against England and Germany*, and also dishing out a 5-1 tanking to Otto Rehhagel’s Greece in the pragmatic German’s first game in charge of his future European champions.
*England fans often forget that David Beckham’s famous free-kick against Greece at Old Trafford merely salvaged a point, which would ultimately have counted for little had the Finns not simultaneously held the Germans 0-0 in Gelsenkirchen.
Likewise, the Finns’ record in European Championship qualification has been much the same story of inconsistency, with some memorable performances and results too often marred by dropped points against the likes of Moldova and Armenia. The newly hatched UEFA Nations League might prove to be a game changer here, however. Much like an elderly lady rooting through her purse in a quest for the exact change at the supermarket checkout, the competition is a well-meaning but slightly confused mess. As I understand it (and I don’t), should Finland top their group ahead of Hungary, Greece and Estonia – at the time of writing they’ve two wins from two games – then they will play off against three other similarly ranked teams from the same league (League C) for a place at the finals of Euro 2020, provided they haven’t already qualified through the regular process, which starts next year. See, I told you it was confusing.
The Shirt
Finland’s shirts have always had an element of playing it safe about them. The country’s long association with Adidas, coupled with the national team’s middling status was ever likely to produce anything too innovative, and most Finnish kits have ended up as merely a white/blue version of whatever template was doing the rounds at the time. Therefore, this design, book-ended by an abstract pair of blue splodges, is about as exciting as things get, although they have tried to jazz things up further by including the country’s native name (Suomi) on the back of the neck.
Happily, this shirt’s release in 2010 coincided with the Finnish F.A. reverting to their classic national flag crest, having spent the previous decade wearing something that looked like its conception probably involved focus groups, board meetings and joyless, dead-inside corporate people who enjoy terms like ‘targeted marketing and ‘ key demographic’ rather more than they should. See comparison below.
Left: A good, wholesome,aesthetically pleasing national team crest.
Right: None of the above.