Home 2005 – Reebok
The Country
Formerly known as “Swaziland”, this tiny African Kingdom chose to ditch its old moniker in 2018 in favour of “Eswatini”, which also means “Land of the Swazis” but was probably deemed edgier and more dynamic by a focus group of dreary 30 somethings named Gavin, for whom the combination of an early mid-life crisis and access to an overhead projector is seldom a productive mix. Whatever we’re calling the place, Eswatini is notable as one of Africa’s last remaining absolute monarchies. Presently on the throne sits the polygamous King Mswati III, alongside his numerous wives and, in an arrangement that isn’t at all creepy, his overbearing mother Ntfombi, who’s presumably there to ensure the national wealth is squandered responsibly.
Speaking of which, despite his domestic popularity, the Kings’s lavish spouse-laden lifestyle has come in for much international criticism, particularly given the country’s chronic lack of medical supplies and personnel as well as the fact that as many of his subjects live off less than £1 a day, meaning they can’t even afford a trolley to do their weekly food shop, which they also can’t afford. Worse still, as of 2019 Eswatini also suffers from the highest rates of AIDS/HIV infection in the world, with nearly 27% of the adult population diagnosed with the disease, while the remaining 73% are still waiting for a doctor’s appointment.
By contrast, the local wildlife is very well looked after indeed. Despite its severely limited space, Eswatini has fourteen protected nature reserves housing endangered species such as the white rhinoceros (which is actually grey), the black rhinoceros (also grey) and the grey rhinoceros, which is comfortable with who it is. Safari tourists can also expect to spot elephants, lions, hippos, hyenas and the curiously named aardwolf, a creature that sounds as though it might more reasonably be found kicking the shit out of the three little pigs outside a kebab shop.
The National Team
Eswatini doesn’t really have much by way of football pedigree. While the national side have dutifully entered the qualifying rounds for every World Cup since USA 94, their involvement is usually fleeting and their exits often brutal eviscerations, such as those delivered by Angola (8-1) in 2002, Togo (6-0) in 2010 and Congo DR (8-2) in 2014. More encouragingly, Nigeria were restricted to a paltry 2-0 aggregate victory en route to Russia 2018, so hopefully things are looking up.
In the long term, qualification for a first ever Africa Cup of Nations will surely be the target. The tournament’s expansion to 24 teams makes this look slightly more doable (if not exactly likely), as does the example set by fellow continental also-rans Mauritania, Madagascar and Burundi, all of whom are, at the time of writing, gearing up for their debut at the 2019 edition in Egypt. That said, the Swazi F.A. might want to stop kicking coaches to the kerb if they’re to establish any sort of upward trajectory. This century alone they’ve emptied their hot seat 21 times in just 19 years, a turnover that goes someway beyond fickleness and instead lurches into outright parody. Currently in charge is veteran Serbian manager Kosta Papic, whose one consolation upon inevitable receipt of his P45 will be an acting role in any film requiring the casting of Bill Clinton’s disappointing brother who runs an estate agents on the Costa Del Sol.
The Shirt
I cannot for the life of me find any photographic evidence of this shirt in use, and it would appear I’m not alone. At least two fellow collectors are in possession of this same wonderfully colourful Reebok garment and, judging by their blogs, have been equally unable to pin down any pictures, instead opting for the below 2005 shot of the white away version as proof that the Swazis at least wore this template at some juncture.
Speaking of Reebok, for some of us who grew up in the 90s, they were the epitome of cool, perhaps even more so than the likes of Nike are for today’s youngsters. In this context, their supplying of tiny Swaziland seems like a downgrade, a bit like one of the Sugababes deciding to go solo and then getting stuck working university summer balls.* Luckily Reebok’s designers, unperturbed by the lowly nature of their client, definitely seem to have put the hours in on this shirt, with the end result being a lively combination of primary colours forged into something tidy and agreeable. The only slight oddity is a small MTN logo sitting just to the left of the badge. Apparently they’re a South African mobile phone company, which at least makes geographical sense – Eswatini is almost entirely surrounded by South Africa – although I’m not sure quite how much brand exposure they were expecting from a tiny motif on what is seemingly the least photographed kit in the history of football.
*Not as random an example as it seems. In 2007 Mutya Buena took centre stage at my Staffordshire University shindig. We’d initially been promised Girls Aloud but this was subsequently downgraded to Liberty X, who were then themselves replaced by Mutya about a week before the gig. No refunds, apparently.